Summer of 2017......Charlottesville musings

Some thoughts after this past week and things I've seen discussed in social media:

People who carry torches and shout "Jews will not replace us" and "Blood and Soil" (former Nazi slogan in Germany)...are not "good people." Period. Look up the video. There is no moral equivalency with people who showed up that day to counter-protest such vile hatred.

Most of the people who were counter-protestors in Charlottesville were peaceful people who wanted to show these racists that they did not support this in the community. They were faith leaders, students, people like myself who want to stand up for what is right and would never dream of being violent in that process.

Peaceful candlelight vigil on the UVA campus, August 16th, 2017

That being said, there were some counter-protestors who were physical in response to the antagonism of the white nationalist groups. What is striking in these reports is that none of those groups were from the local Charlottesville community.  The Charlottesville police did not do a very good job of containing all these more violent protestors. But let's put it in perspective. If those vile Nazis had never come there, neither would any of these groups who felt the need to be there to be on guard or defense against their hatred.  The white nationalists showed up with guns, shields, helmets, and torches.   Apparently this makes some people feel threatened.  Shocker.  I do not advocate violence, ever.  But the Nazi symbol tends to bring out the worst in people.  Wonder why?

Black Lives Matter in no way equates with these white nationalist hate groups. They do not advocate killing police. They do not advocate killing white people.  They protest how African-Americans have been treated in the criminal justice system and if you don't understand that BLM does NOT mean that other lives don't matter, I don't know what to say. It MEANS that in THIS COUNTRY, too often, we see incident after incident where it appears to be a person of color means your life does not hold as much value. Get it? I'm not saying the organization is perfect. But it's not a hate group. It's an advocacy group. Look it up.  No, don't look it up in social media.  Do some research from credible sources.

People are still debating the Civil War and what it was about. Seriously. This is unbelievable.

We are NOT erasing history by removing monuments or plaques that HONOR Confederate leaders or the Confederacy. Those monuments can go right into a museum. If anything, more than ever, we need to remember our history and learn it very well. But GLORIFYING it is a completely different matter. Learn the difference. The Confederate flag is not "pride in the South." It's offensive. And so are monuments to Lee.

The current so-called president is an embarrassment and disgrace to this great country. He has shown who he is since well before his election so nothing that he does or says shocks me...he has made it clear who he was from the beginning: hateful, rude, sexist, racist, and small-minded. Not fit to serve. If you voted for him, I am sorry for you. That's not a burden of conscience I would ever want to bear. Now is the time to say you made a mistake and to stand up for a return to a country that rejects hate and oppression, whether conservative or liberal.  I am heartened by conservative leaders like John McCain, Lindsey Graham, commentators like Ana Navarro, Tara Setmeyer, and others, who are speaking out against his tyranny.  We desperately need our Republican leaders to stand up for our country and demand the removal of 45 from office.

There's a ton of bad stuff happening while all these discussions are going on that are destroying our environment, our legal protections, and our freedoms. And we still don't have good health care. Congress can't focus on the work of the country because of the mess in the White House. Patriotism means standing up for your country, not for a particular politician. Our country is in jeopardy. More and more people from all sides are recognizing this. Be one of those people. Get it right.

"We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented."-Elie Wiesel  

Love Wins.  The peace vigil at UVA tonight gives us all hope.  

Tsunami

In 2009, I wrote a post about my thoughts and feelings about witnessing the inauguration of Barack Obama, our first African-American President of the United States.   Over the past year of 2016, I hoped fervently that we would witness the election of the first female POTUS.   As we all know, it was not to be.  I won’t rehash all the difficulties of the 2016 election but suffice it to say I still feel strongly that I was supporting the best candidate in the race, and that our country would be a very different country under her leadership.

Instead, we have in the White House, a completely unqualified and unprepared man, of very base motives, with a background of greed and corruption, unlike anything we have ever witnessed in this country before now.  I’ve lived through both Democratic and Republican administrations.  There have been scandals, illegal activities, irrational decisions, and high-level politics on both sides that have not revealed the very best of our leaders.  But I have never in all those years, feared for our country; feared that we might lose our way as a democratic republic, as a shining beacon to all in the world, or as a country where freedom is the highest ideal you can aspire to, and where all are welcome, of any race or creed.

You need only look back at America’s brief history to know that the ideal we all hold in our hearts, is far from the reality.  Our struggles to achieve the ideals of our founders has been a long and difficult one, and too many instances in our past history shows we are still a people at times driven by fear of the “other” and the unknown.  While the pilgrims came to seek religious freedom, as our country grew and more immigrants came, those that arrived first were often disdainful and intolerant of new arrivals and new cultures, that threatened the status quo.  Our country was late to the battle of WWII, a pivotal time in our world’s history, only jumping into the fray after we were attacked….despite the horrible stories already coming out of Germany and Europe at that time.  I grew up amid the civil rights stuggles of the 60s, which made a profound impact on my view of the world.

So as much as there is an American ideal of a shining city on a hill that beacons freedom to all…we are also a country at war within itself.  What will the final America be?  A country that shuts down to outsiders to preserve "purity"and what we see as encroachment on our values…or one that is a melting pot of multiple races, cultures, ideas, and points of view?  To me…the rise of nationalism championed by our 45^th President, is a reflection of the past, not of the future.  It does not carry a vision of what America can and will be in years to come; it only reflects glimmers of the ugliest of America’s past.

I woke up recently one morning after a dream that I’ve had before in different iterations.  I call it my tsunami dream.   This dream was related to my scuba diving, as it involved some of my favorite dive buddies.   There were 2 groups of us, apparently coming out of the water after a dive.  In my group, we were exiting on the far end of the beach, with rocks or land to the left of us as we left the water.  We were crawling out through shallow water towards the beach…a common technique to use when the water is rough and exiting through waves.   Further down the beach, to my right, I could see a group of my diver friends, standing, talking in a group.  As I looked back over my right shoulder, I saw it….a huge wall of water,  hundreds of feet high, moving towards the shore.  In my dream, I froze, struggling inwardly to keep going, but unable to make my limbs work.   I looked again at the group further down the beach, still talking and laughing, completely oblivious to the oncoming disaster.  Somehow, I inwardly talked myself into moving, slowly, painfully, but surely towards the shore.  My group exited the water and ran for our lives up the beach away from the water.  We watched in terror as the wall of water crashed down, covering our friends, in what looked like sure death.   As the water receded, we rushed down to what we feared would be a horrible disaster.  But amazingly, (as happens in dreams)….our friends, who were indeed strewn across the beach, and not in great shape, were still alive.  But they had suffered much more than those of us who had crawled out of the way.

I have always been interested in dream interpretation, and wrote a paper on it many years ago in college.   Like many of us, I’ve been feeling overwhelmed the last few weeks, as daily it seems another highly concerning event has occurred at the highest levels of our federal government. 

So, I’ve chosen the path of moving as fast as I can from the oncoming wave, to safer shores, by finding a local grassroots activist group, coming together to resist the onslaught against our freedoms and ideals, and to fight back through local elections and national elections when they come.  If you don’t know about Indivisible, look up the guide, and find a local group near you to join.   https://www.indivisibleguide.com/  There is a way to fight back….peacefully, and with respect for our fellow citizens and our institutions, but also to resist what is happening under this newly elected president, who seems in many ways, to treasure none of the values that so many of us, Republican or Democrat, hold most dear.

I still believe in hope and change.  But now I know that making it happen, is up to me, and up to all of us.   The song is by an artist who goes by the name of MILCK, and her song became very significant during the Women's March, and will continue to resonate in the days ahead.

 #WeThePeople #Indivisible  #Resist #ICantKeepQuiet

Walking on the edge: in support of nurses

I know this whole recent news story in Maine about the nurse who has been fighting quarantine has brought out a lot of criticism of her.  Actually that's putting it lightly.  I've seen some of the most horrific, rude, and hateful statements on social media against this woman.  She’s been bashed by fellow nurses, although I have seen some voice of reason in the postings as well.   I truly believe that social media brings out the worst in people who can hide anonymously behind their statements, and call people names like “idiot” and worse, without having to debate an issue in an intelligent manner.

My personal opinion is people really didn't like to see a woman, and a nurse, be so verbally adamant and outspoken about the issue, added in with the fact that we don’t think we fully understand Ebola.  I think she's someone who is willing to put herself on the line (because she's certainly been vilified) to make a statement and to point out the problems with mandatory quarantine.  People keep saying, "what's the big deal, it's 21 days, deal with it."  The big deal is that it sends the wrong message about how Ebola is spread and how we should be dealing with it.  The American Nursing Association (the professional nursing organization in the US) has put out a statement in support of Kaci Hickox and the current CDC guidelines, which she is following, and has been willing to follow.  She simply did not believe a state-imposed quarantine is the right answer.  

ANA Statement: http://www.nursingworld.org/FunctionalMenuCategories/MediaResources/PressReleases/2014-PR/ANA-Supports-CDC-Guidance-Not-Mandatory-Quarantine.html

I’ve been truly horrified at how nurses have been portrayed in the recent events surrounding the Ebola crisis.  Nurses are people like everyone else, and none of us are perfect.  And just like every profession, there are some nurses who are better than others.  There are those who strive for excellence, and there are those who just want to get through the day.   But I believe at least 90% are in the first category!  You don’t go into nursing to make money (it’s a comfortable living, but you’ll never be wealthy).   Nurses work incredibly hard to earn that money too.  There’s very few professions where a hard day at the office means you lost a life.  Working with very sick patients, exposing yourself EVERY DAY to illness, blood, urine, feces, vomit, and sometimes deep sadness, it’s not a job for everyone.    Nurses choose their profession based on an affinity for science, and a passion to help others.   

Why would anyone think that a nurse who volunteered her time and energies to go work with the sickest, most infectious patients in the world right now, in a third world country, where there aren’t clean shiny hospitals with every piece of equipment you need at your fingertips, but makeshift tents in the heat of the African sun, would really be a person who just “wants 15 minutes of fame” or is “looking for money.”   I can’t even fathom someone having those two aspects to their personality.    What I can understand is a nurse who is not only passionate about her work and her patients, but also her belief in science and the proper approach to a disease that she knows better than 99.9% of those of us who sit back and judge her, based on the little that we have learned over the last 4 weeks.  

Nurses are my heroes.  They do things every day that go the extra mile to help their patients, to comfort the families, to ensure their safety.   No, hospitals are not perfect. Doctors are not, and nurses are not.  But guess what?  We’re on the front lines in ANY epidemic.   To me, when the two nurses in Texas became ill after caring for the man from Africa, it was quite concerning, because I thought in America we would be fully protected.   It became clear we have much to learn and to prepare for in case of having such a patient.   The mistakes made in Texas could have been made anywhere, because very few hospitals were really ready.  Ebola was a distant possibility, not a reality that would walk into the ER.  Now we know differently and are working to be prepared.   But the truth is, without constant preparation and training, any staff in the US would be challenged to care for such a patient.   The best plan would be quick recognition and transfer to a center that trains all the time and understands the protocols intimately. 

I’m not scared of Ebola.  There have been less than 10 cases treated here, and only 2 that were contracted here: the two nurses who cared for Duncan when he was at his very sickest.   The fact that his own family did not develop the disease, should put everyone who is freaked out about being on a subway, plane, or in a bowling alley with a potentially infected person, at ease.   I’m more scared that people are not vaccinating their children and horrific communicable diseases that we thought we had eradicated are coming back like pertussis, measles and mumps.  The recent outbreak of Enterovirus in children that has made them so sick is much more of a threat right now.  The flu season is coming and I know many people have not bothered to get a vaccine because they either think they won’t get the flu, or they think it gives them the flu.  And yet the flu kills thousands of people per year.  But we don’t quarantine people with the flu. 

This is all a long-winded way of saying that I hope people can put this in perspective, and try to understand the distinctions between isolating someone who is sick (right thing to do) and someone who may have been exposed.   And the operative word is MAY.  Most healthcare workers who have been overseas do NOT become sick.  The CDC guidelines do stratify overseas workers into a different category than healthcare workers in this country who may work with one or two patients.  I think their guidelines make sense and are reasonable, and will keep people safe.  Under those guidelines, Kaci Hickox falls into the "Some Risk" category (NOT High Risk) and would be directly monitored (meaning someone is checking in on her daily) so that if she develops a fever at all, it would be immediately detected and she would be isolated.   That makes sense and that’s what she’s been fighting for.  http://www.cdc.gov/vhf/ebola/exposure/monitoring-and-movement-of-persons-with-exposure.html#table-monitoring-movement

 I admire her.  I think people who stand up for what they believe is right, and put themselves out on a ledge that most of us never will, because of the fear of being attacked by the masses, are pretty amazing people  Because that’s not selfish.  That’s bravery.

friends in tow...

Having lived in SoCal off and on since the early 90s…I’ve dived around Catalina many times, and none of the dive spots that we hit on a trip this past weekend were new…but in diving, you quickly find that for most dive locations, every time you go can be a new and thrilling dive of discovery, if you pay attention.  You can also be presented with new challenges in unexpected places.

Diving with KK in Palau -photo by Mark Grantham

I’ve been diving with the same group of friends now for about 9 years.   We are friends above and below water…and I would say we’ve learned more about love, friendship, forgiveness, and tolerance from all of our adventures both topside and underneath the waves.   In the past year, having had 2 in our group go through some life-threatening accidents and challenges, I believe we all are more appreciative of our time together and the special times that we share.  This weekend…a few things happened that have made me think about how important it is sometimes to be able to a) know your limits, both physical and mental, and b) when to accept help from a friend.

Sunlight in kelp - photo by Tessa Ptacek

On Saturday, we dove on one of my favorite dive sites off Catalina, a pinnacle on the leeward side of the island, called Ship Rock.   I love this dive, because it provides great diving for beginning divers through technical divers…as the pinnacle slopes off  from about 30 feet, all the way down to 200 feet or more.   My buddy Kathryn and I decided to dive down to about 100 feet on the pinnacle and then work our way around and slowly up.  The dive was stunning at times…with water clarity up to at least 60 feet or more in places, and schools of blacksmith swirling around us like a swarm of bees.  

Ship Rock - photo by Robin Bronner

I took time to breathe and look up and see the sun filtering down through the kelp and rocks and take that mental picture that I’ve learned to do on my most beautiful dives, as pictures can never capture the exact feeling.   Diving gives me such a sense of peace and wonder…and I always try to stay very conscious of the fact that I get to witness a world that most people on earth will never see.   

We hit a strong current as we swam around the pinnacle, reminding me of some of the cave flows in Florida, but it was so beautiful and clear, we kept going, working our way up to about 30 feet or so.   We had circumnavigated the pinnacle…a perfect dive.   We surfaced briefly and saw we were right in front of where the boat was anchored, so we took a compass heading and descended to make our way to the boat underwater.  Ah, best-laid plans.    After kicking for several minutes and not seeing any sign of the boat, we again surfaced to check our position.   Um, now we were on the far side of the boat…down current.   Did I mention there was a strong current that day? This is one of the challenges of underwater navigation, you may have a correct heading but if the current pushes you down…your heading will be off of your original position.   So we took a new heading, descended again and kicked away.   During this process, we lost sight of each other, and while we both ascended again trying to connect, I soon saw K. was far ahead of me now and I was still really in the same spot.   Even though I had been kicking like mad.    

Really???   (I found out later that I had incorrectly tucked some seals in my borrowed semi-dry suit into my boots, bogging me down with tons of water in my legs!).   I kicked again….hoping to gain some distance.  Surfaced.  Same spot.   Signaled to the boat by raising one hand…”come pick me up.”   Now, as an experienced California diver, I HATE to do that…we pride ourselves on getting back to the boat…but when you’re not making headway and just getting more and more tired, it makes no sense to keep pushing yourself into exhaustion, where you’re no longer able to help yourself.  While watching to see if they sent out the skiff to get me…(I didn’t) …I spotted another diver in the water, moving very quickly my way.  I soon recognized my friend Terry, who has a scooter….coming to pick me up!   Whew.    He clipped me in, and drove the scooter back to the boat.  I could feel the scooter working hard against the current to move both of us to the boat.  I just put my head down and relaxed as much as possible to create less drag.   I put full trust in Terry to get us to the boat and he did.  

We did two more beautiful dives that day, one at Eagle Reef, where hornsharks were plentiful,  and one at Sea Fan grotto, known for a shallow cavern with beautiful gorgonian sea fans, creating a magical atmosphere of a secret mermaid cave.   One of my favorite spots.

Hornshark in hiding - photo by Tessa Ptacek

That night, we docked back in San Pedro, and several of us attended a birthday party of another dive friend, who was celebrating a special one…with a lovely Moroccan theme, which had transformed her home into a true Casablanca abode.   We enjoyed amazing food, drinks, ambiance, and some of us received readings from a tarot card reader…who seemed to only have positive readings for all of us, no matter the cards.  ;-)  We liked that.   It was a nice interlude to two wonderful days of diving.

Fog lifts on the backside of Catalina

We headed back to the boat and slept well, all the way through the early morning departure to Farnsworth banks.   Sleeping on a boat is the best thing ever, especially when the boat is under way.  The movement is like being rocked to sleep, and the water slapping against the boat hull is tranquilizing.   Sometimes you feel like you can sleep forever.   But then you smell breakfast and hunger wins over sleep.

The sun was rising over the boat when I got up…hitting the water like a million sparkling diamonds.   We were on our way to the backside (windward) side of Santa

Sunrise over the Pacific Star

Catalina to dive Farnsworth Banks…one of the most stunning dives in southern California.  A ridge of pinnacles that starts at about 60 feet and drops down to deep depths, the ridges are covered by purple hydrocorals like I’ve never seen anywhere else.   Strong waves and currents can make this site undiveable….and you never quite know until you get there if you will make the dive or not.  Fortunately…it was a calm day, and Captain Dave of the Pacific Star got us right on top of one of the shallow pinnacles.  No other boats were there…which also made it perfect.   

Purple hydrocoral at Farnsworth - photo by Mirek Wolski

   
We made our way down the anchor line, and saw that we had great visibility and tons of life swirling around the pinnacles, including TWO large electric (torpedo) rays, one of whom was very interested in my buddies for the dive, Kathryn and Jennifer.  It swam right over their tanks, which gave me a bit of concern, since these rays can shock a person, and while probably not fatal, would certainly stun and cause some pain and shock.  Fortunately the ray swam off …maybe it just likes girls wearing doubles and wanted to check them out more closely.  ;-)

Torpedo Ray at Farnsworth - photo by Mirek Wolski

Purple hydrocoral, Farnsworth - photo by Mirek Wolski

Farnsworth - Photo by Mirek Wolski

After two spectacular dives at Farnsworth, the captain moved the boat down the island to drop off some of the technical divers in our group to a deep water wreck, with the rest of us hitting a spot called Johnson Rocks nearby.   My buddy for this dive, Jennifer, and I headed down this lovely reef, in less than stellar conditions, because a strong current had kicked up and visibility was starting to drop.  I saw the kelp laying down flat as we heading down current, but there wasn’t really an option to swim in the opposite direction, so we made our way down the reef and back, and had a beautiful dive with more schools of fish, and tons of outcroppings that were fun to swim around.    As we made our way back towards the boat, we again hit strong currents, and we were actually pulling ourselves along the flattened kelp to conserve energy.   On our way, we heard a boat passing overhead, and looked up to see the boat’s skiff towing 3 divers in a row.   Hmmm.   We surfaced down current from the boat…but at least this time not as far as my Ship Rock dive, and we both were able to kick back to the swim step.   Props to Jen with her doubles…I was working really hard to kick with my single tank…at least I didn’t have a gallon of water in my legs this time!

Back on the boat we relaxed on the Lido deck with friends and sunshine, laughing at our misadventures, and celebrating our safe return and time together.    Two groups of divers had to be towed in that last dive…mainly due to the distance they had been dropped and the strong currents.

DiveVettes Forever: Kathryn, Mary, Kathy M., Jennifer

All of this made me reflect on how diving can be such a metaphor for life…when all goes well, it is magical and easy…but particularly in our part of the world, diving can take a quick turn.  Although being trained to your best ability helps a diver deal with the inevitable challenges that can arise, knowing that you can depend on your buddies and fellow divers to assist when needed can make all of the difference in the outcome of a potential problem. 

I’ve found that it’s not just “the adventure” that counts, it’s with whom you share the journey.

The dance....

Today at work, one of the pediatric residents ( a young doctor,  completing her training to be a pediatrician) asked me and one of my nurse practitioner colleagues how we dealt with the death of children in our work.  Were there some cases that you just couldn't keep a professional distance from?   We told her, of course...there are always those patients who grab your heart for whatever reason....and no matter how much experience or professional training you have, you find yourself crying your eyes out when they leave this world.   How do you deal with it,  people ask me, seeing children sick, seeing them die?

Children aren't supposed to die.  We all know that.  But.....they do.  Babies die, toddlers, young children, teens, and young adults die...every day.   If you work in a pediatric hospital, you come to accept this as part of the work...you're going to experience death, on some level, at some time.   The reason all of us who choose this work do what we do is not about death, however.  It's about life.  It's about doing our best to heal physical brokenness when we can, and to heal emotional brokenness when we can't fix the wounds of illness, cancer, trauma, and genetics.   We receive many gifts from seeing our patients return to health, and receive many when they do not.  What we learn from these children and their families changes who we are, how we see life, forever.   Doctors and nurses who work with dying patients know to never, ever, take life for granted.   And that indeed, even in death, joy can be found.

Because death is a part of life.  We all will go through this passage.  For those of us who do not believe that death is the ultimate end, but rather another beginning, the pain of saying goodbye to a loved ones' physical presence is tempered by knowing that not only will their spirit live on, going on glorious adventures, but that someday, we will dance and love and joyfully celebrate together again.  Maybe I couldn't do the work I do without that belief...but no more could I exist in this world without it either.  Having experienced the presence of loved ones who have crossed over, and knowing that they are just across the horizon, the pain of parting is always softened with this knowledge.

Neil Gaiman wrote a lovely book that addresses some of these themes, called "The Graveyard Book." http://www.neilgaiman.com/works/Books/The+Graveyard+Book/

Such an ethereal story, that ultimately speaks to the fact that we can't spend our lives living in the past, chasing ghosts, or fading into the shadows...that life is lived by stepping out into the world and taking chances, living as fully as possible, with love and truth.  If we live this way, we understand that when we reach "the graveyard," that it's time to dance with joy with those whom we are forever connected to, both here and beyond.   By chance, I just found this lovely song (and wonderful video)  by one of my new favorite bands, Delta Rae, that seems like it was written to compliment this wonderful book.  It's like a spiritual hymn, that makes you want to dance,and laugh,and smile.  

http://youtu.be/lPOM0IUsd_0

A walk at sunset

Smells were good too!

 Sometimes the light is just right, and  you have the most wonderful views on a simple walk after dinner with your dog.  I'm lucky to live by the ocean (like a hop and skip), but the sky was just beautiful this night.   Kaia got to run off leash on the dog walking path behind our condo, and her ears tell the whole story of how happy she was!

Last light in the west

Our view towards Palos Verdes

Redondo Pier at sunset

Happiness is running as fast as you can!